I’m writing this at 5:30AM, after having eaten a leftover pumpkin biscuit, a spoonful of peanut butter, and a bite of baklava for breakfast. This spread is most certainly not my ritual oatmeal, but it’s rather demonstrative of my recent lackadaisical lifestyle.
Solitude soothes me. When stressed, I savor the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts on a long run or stay home on the weekend and write. I’m also an avid planner and list maker, I like to have control over my schedule. And so my current job really stretches me at times because I am often never alone– 6 days a week, 17 hours a day, my life is intimately tangled with the lives of my employers (whom I love, don’t get me wrong). It has required me to give up a great deal of control, and I’m getting the hang of it, as shown in this morning’s hodgepodge.
I find these daily sacrifices parallel my release of control on a larger scale– my surrender to God. The fall of my junior year (2009) I decided I’d done enough poking and prodding at my future; my methodical plans weren’t getting me anywhere, they were just sterile little to-do lists with no attention paid to the desires God had placed on my heart. So I shed my law school aspirations, began navigating the unfamiliar channels of my heart, and two years later arrived here: stupidly passionate about poetry and applying to 13 creative writing MFA programs.
Once I allowed God to reign, I was presented with an array of possibilities; I began discovering passions I never knew I had, opportunities I never even knew I wanted, but which transformed me nonetheless. Like my summer internship at a church in Minnesota which ultimately produced this blog and landed me here in Tucson.
As I surrendered more and more of my life and looked my fear of failure straight in the eye, I felt (and still feel) this indescribable sense of freedom. I have learned to listen to the quiet desires of my heart and to follow them no matter how unconventional they may be, trusting that no matter my successes or “failures,” my life will never be irredeemable.
Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. Ephesians 1:7 The Message
Holding my life loosely, relinquishing control, taking risks– this is living in the abundant freedom given to me by Christ. As I encounter daily anxiety related to grad school applications, the sacrifices required by my job remind me that I am not in control, and I don’t need to be. I have been freed by an ever-faithful God and life will continue regardless of my successes or missteps along the way.
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Tags: Corn, Low-Fat, Soup, Sweet Potato, Vegan, Vegetarian








